Tuesday, October 23, 2007

So much to say...so little time

I've been composing posts to this blog in my head all week, but when it comes down to actually having time to sit down and type them out, the time, well it is lacking.

Let's see.. On Friday, I was going to go into the VMWare saga. I was asked by my boss to get a quote for RHEL software and support for next year's budget, including information on virtualization. WHOOBOY! Well, I found out how much I didn't know on that topic. Learned alot of stuff, was going to post here, and ask questions, but now - meh. My sudden disinterest would mainly be because my boss told me never mind. And because if we went with Linux based virtualization, you'd better believe my job description would suddenly expand to include server management lickety-split.

Then over the weekend I had ideas for talking about our daughter's second birthday celebration (or lack thereof), and what I'm going to put together for it.

I also have alot of comments on the hoopla about Comcast & BitTorrent. Which I find funny because we also rate limit P2P traffic, and have been for years now. I can't believe we were ahead of the game on someone so much bigger than us, so this is like, really old news. And I don't feel bad about it, either. I mean, we have SOO many users that set-it and forget-it. Prior to packet shaping, our slow speed complaints were usually either because the subscriber had spyware infestations or a forgotten P2P app chugging away. So, we honestly don't feel bad limiting the amount of access our subs have to p2p off our network during peak times. Now, during the middle of the night, when we have the bandwidth to spare, and when they're not likely to notice the p2p stuff hogging their connection - wide open. so if you have a ratio you're trying to maintain, you can get your upload credit, and a copy of that movie that I'm sure is quite legal from China (yes, I know there is PLENTY of legal stuff out there - another reason we try to keep a light touch on any rate limiting.) And there was more - deep packet inspection questions and trying to get resources on desiphering packet headers after doing a WireShark trace...

And I seriously am struggling with the mommy/worker/wife ratio right now. I want to be a good worker, not just keep myself from being fired, but I want to be an asset to this company. It makes me feel good, feel smart and smart isn't something I get anywhere else in my life right now. At home, I feel quite the dunce. So, I need to start showing up to work on time again. Even if my boss doesn't care, and even if there are a couple of other guys that just sort of make up their schedules. The ones I consider to be successful in my department aren't so lackadaisical.

I want to be a good mother, too. I do NOT want to be one of those parents of seriously screwed up kids. I don't want my daughter to be unhappy and a detriment to society overall. And there are so many details that go with that goal (I'm listing all the ones that I'm seriously having trouble with - hopefully I do something right and don't know it or I'm going to have my parenting license revoked any time now).
Feed your kid only organic produce, dairy and meat.
Give your child the freedom to learn for herself.
Give your child consistent, clear boundries.
Allow your toddler to exert her independance whenever practical/safe.
Maintain a regular schedule.

Don't feed your kid too many foods/drinks with empty calories.
Don't let her watch TV before age 2. (That one's totally shot)
Don't let her watch more than an hour of educational TV after age two (and a two hour marathon of mindless Hello Kitty claymation for a 22 month old is how bad?)
Don't use plastic containers when cooking in the microwave unless you want her to hit puberty when she's 5. (exaggerating - and it's probably not true - I hope)
Don't put your child in daycare - it's evil - only selfish parents do it. (Someone told me this one over the weekend - made me want to cry)

There's more -so much more.

And then the wife front. Here's this great guy I found and he actually wanted to marry me. And then I did that thing that all my guy friends would gripe to me about when I was in college. You know - the bait and switch. I don't do my "fair share" of the housework - you can tell because the house is trashed - all the time. I'm not "affectionate" anymore because, honestly I'm whipped. And... you can't have it two ways... Look, either I can kill myself trying to get all this crap done and be all short on sleep, but the bills are paid and the house is, well, not gross, and we have food in the cupboards and dinner cooking when you get home. Or, I can try to spend some time getting back in touch with the care-free chick you met who seems to have died during childbirth. But... I can't do both, and it frightens me DEEPLY that I might eventually lose my great guy over it. I'm being pulled in waaay too many directions, and I know... that's not good, because I'm not adept at putting the brakes on before I fly off the cliff. Somethings gotta give. I'm willing to let the house go to pot a little bit, and give up some of my old fun habits (3 books a day anyone?) But it's not enough. He doesn't say anything mean, but I can tell. He's just getting more and more unhappy and distant.

I'm seriously starting to think... maybe we should put another kid on hold for awhile yet. Maybe a long while. Until I can get our finances and house and relationship back in order. Until I'm working a job that's got more kid-friendly hours. And that nagging thought makes me unbelievably, terribly sad. And alone.

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