A good friend of my husband and his wife just had their first baby on Wednesday. They were married a month before we were, and have been ttc pretty much since the honeymoon. Honestly, I felt a little guilty around them since we were able to get preggo pretty much as soon as we stopped trying NOT to have a kid. Anyway, I'm very, very happy for them. Mom and babe made it through really well through a 9 hour labor, and we got to see them Thursday night.
This is the first time I've seen my daughter in the same room with a newborn in over a year. Oh wow. First of all, to see a tiny little (and gorgeous, by the way) infant with her teeny half-moon finger and toe-nails, and hear the soft little "awaah" cry of a newborn made me flutter. And remember. Oh, the horrid sleep deprivation. Oh, the grinding worry of not knowing what to do, what to expect. And oh, the glorious smell of your childs soft downy head as she nurses contentedly in your arms, or looks up at you with those blue-not-sure-what color-we'll-get eyes and sighs. ::shiver::
And I look over at my baby, and she's not. She's walking, and talking, and crinkles her nose and looks for her binka when the baby cries so she can soothe her. (No we didn't let her give it to her, but it was cute) My baby is growing up and it's happening too fast. I'm grateful we're getting sleep at night, but when did she learn to wipe her own mouth and hands after feeding herself? How did this sneak up on me? She's using 4 word sentences now, ones that strangers can make out? She's almost got the hang of jumping - her feet just don't quite leave the ground yet. This was my darling, floppy, came-out-of-MY-stomach baby girl. Now when I hold her in my arms, her feet dangle past my knees.
And I know, deep down... we have to do this again. We will make it work. Somehow we will muddle through with the finances, and the exhaustion, and not seeing each other enough. Because she needs a little brother or sister to care for. I see how sweet she is toward that little baby, and I know... I can't deprive our family of the other child that we haven't met yet. Whose smell I don't know. Whose grin will tease mine out on those very hard days. Who will try the babe's patience and teach her all those things my sibs and I learned from each other. She needs that. And I need it, too.
We aren't totally ready. Things aren't perfect.. but then... they weren't before we had our first daughter, and I couldn't imagine life without her now. We've managed. So, sorry about the very down post I did before. I haven't really fixed anything, but after talking with my husband about so much of it, I realize we don't have to fix it. We do have to just keep doing our best.