Monday, October 29, 2007

Second guessing myself

I totally dropped the ball at work yesterday. I got a call pretty close to the end of my shift about an issue, and I fixed it, but I had a feeling there was alot more to the story. I wanted to get home to my family though. So I spent the time doing some of the research, and when 5pm hit, decided to send an email to the rest of the group with what I'd gathered so far, and left it for them to pick up overnight Sunday and today. And like the compulsive workaholic I am, I've been checking my email all day. And... it was a big deal. The stuff that broke, shouldn't have, and I'm VERY lucky it didn't fail again before they started looking into it today. (Actually it hasn't failed again at all -yet, but that's not the point.) The point is... this was a BIG deal. And, while no one has chastised me - not yet anyway. I feel horrid. Yesterday I justified it to myself that the equipment in question is not my responsibility - I'm not fully trained to understand it - I just try to plug the holes on the weekend, and try to keep us from calling folks in their off-hours. But now... I'm seriously thinking that even if I didn't stick around to log a ticket with the Cisco TAC, I SHOULD HAVE called the guys whose responsibility it is to maintain that equipment -cuz they are in a total dither today.

Such a bad employee.. ::cringe::

On a good note, my husband and I slogged through a really difficult conversation about our priorities and what exactly we're trying to do with our time and money so we're not running off in different directions and getting so mad (mad's a strong word... irritated and disappointed continuously would be a better description) at each other for not helping with whats most important to each of us. I absolutely hate telling the man that I love bad news. But I'm supposed to be overseeing our finances (probably not the best idea for a compulsive spender), and it was time to be honest with him and myself about what we can and cannot afford to do before we get even further in debt. So now we have a plan, and I've got a better idea of what to drop when I feel tugged in so many directions. I know it's silly but I have to be told it's ok that I can't do everything or I just keep trying 'til I fly apart - and that's no good for anyone. At least I'm getting to a place where I can recognize this instead of being shocked when it happens. Lets see if it's actually preventable.

Those talks are really depressing usually - it's tough to face head-on the reality that we just don't have enough time or money to do all the things we want to do, and not even some of the stuff we need to do to stay sane and happy. I guess... it's the part of being a grown up that I just haven't embraced. You can't get away with only doing the icky not-fun stuff sometimes. You have to do it most of the time, because keeping the house semi-presentable means we don't lose time trying to find stuff- time we don't have. And we can't buy all the neat toys and stuff we want for ourselves and our daughter because we need to get out of debt - the debt we got into because we don't tell ourselves "no" nearly enough. We both learned to soothe being sad or unhappy by spending - some on ourselves, but mostly on others. And it's a self-defeating cycle we have to get out of.

So I guess we need to find other (really cheap) ideas on how to spoil ourselves and our daughter. And how to make it through Christmas with REALLY large, gifty families without feeling totally left out because we shouldn't be spending a ton of money on presents, but that's how we've learned to enjoy the season. And if we tell our families we're not doing gifts, that won't stop them. I wish we could just go into hiding for the holidays, but that would be even more depressing than being so bad with our money that now we can't buy our loved ones those thoughtful little gifts we always splurge on. (wah). I wish we could have someone just take over and say - naughty children - you've not been wise with you're money. I will not allow you to spend money on those frivolous things. And we could say to ourselves and our families (I don't honestly think our families care, but the guilt is still there) we WANTED to buy you lovely gifts, but that meanie over there said no.

Can you believe we had the audacity to reproduce? Not exactly responsible parenting, eh? Well, the good news is... I've faced facts, and DH was surprisingly agreeable. We're going to wait a year before ttc. We have one year to try to make a VERY significant dent in this debt we've accumulated before we sink ourselves further with the expenses and lack of time that another child will engender. And in the meantime, we'll enjoy the awesome daughter we already have, and each other. And that is more than enough. (My story and I'm stickin to it).

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